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Suburban Turmoil: Monkey Butt
As I navigated my son’s stroller through the press of holiday shoppers at Opry Mills last week, I could hear the high-pitched shrieks of a small boy in the midst of one very loud tantrum.
“You better shut it,” the kid’s father said roughly from somewhere behind me, “Or yer gonna become a statistic!”
My mouth dropping open, I turned to find the father and son in the crowd. Did I really just hear that? After a moment, I spied the man’s mullet and camouflage jacket and knew that, undoubtedly, I had. Of course it bothered me that a father could issue that kind of threat so casually. But I wasn’t entirely shocked that he’d said it.
Because I have a son, too.
I have a son who, in just 20 months, already has cost us thousands of dollars in damages, destroying my Macbook, scratching DVDs and breaking Xbox game discs in half, shorting the cord on a pricy lamp, and leaving scores of stains on every carpet in the house.
I have a son who, when told “no” screams and cries and stamps his feet like a baby Rumpelstiltskin before going right back to whatever it was he was doing, lips puckered out at me in defiance.
I have a son who’s caused me endless amounts of embarrassment in public, slithering out of my arms and onto the floor when it’s time to leave the marionette show or the playground or the department store, and then pulling my hair and screaming as if he’s been branded with a hot iron when I pick him up again and run for the nearest exit.
Do I feel like telling my son he’s in danger of becoming a statistic? Well, no. But I do feel like telling him something that definitively indicates Mommy has had enough.
“I want to say he’s acting like a… well, an a-hole,” I confided to my husband not long ago, after Bruiser had picked up a handful of cashews from his sister’s lunch plate and thrown them in Hubs’ face. “But it doesn’t feel right to call a one-year-old an a-hole. Particularly when the a-hole is my own son.”
“I know how you feel,” my husband frowned, wiping cashews from his lap.
“So I’ve come up with something else,” I continued. “Sometimes, Bruiser is… a monkey butt.” Beside me, my 4-year-old daughter, Punky, gasped.
“Bruiser is not a monkey butt, Mommy,” she said in horror. Punky was her brother’s constant champion. No matter how many times he yanked her braids, scratched her face or sat on her, she always forgave him, generally countering his actions with sympathetic noises and a big bear hug.
“Bruiser is a sweet boy,” she said.
She had a point. The reason we all put up so gracefully with Bruiser’s bad behavior was that about 75 percent of the time, he was a perfect cherub, far more affectionate than any of our other children ever were, full of laughter and sticky kisses and cuddles and hugs. I‘ve always believed Bruiser was meant to be a first child, the sole recipient of his mother and father’s attention for at least a few years before another kid came along.
As it is, he’s fourth in line and has to fight for every moment of affection he gets. And fight he does, squalling at my knees until I cave, pick him up and attempt to balance him on one hip while I cook or work on the computer. From his new position, he covers my face with kisses in a frantic bid to reduce his chances of being put back down.
It works. I fairly glow in Bruiser’s attention, at least until I get distracted by an overflowing pot and he reminds me of his presence by sinking his tiny talons into my neck.
“AAAAARGH!” I shriek, batting at his hands and setting him down on the floor. My little Dr. Jekyll has morphed into a purple-faced Mr. Hyde, howling in outrage.
“You little… Monkey Butt!”
He laughs delightedly and, as usual, my heart softens. It’s hard to stay mad at someone who has the exact proportions of Winnie the Pooh. And besides, this is just a phase. He’ll be far more rational a year from now. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
“How old is he?” my carpet cleaner asked me recently, as Bruiser methodically tore pages from a picture book. It was one of “those” days, and I had opted to sacrifice the book for between two and five minutes of peace and quiet.
“He’s almost 2,” I said. The carpet cleaner looked at him wistfully as Bruiser crumpled one of the pages and began trying to stuff it in his mouth.
“Man, I wish mine was still that age,” he said, shaking his head. “My boy’s 3 now and he’s completely out of control.”
“You mean they get worse?” I squeaked. He looked at me and smiled and I felt an involuntary shiver run up my spine.
More Monkey Butt?
May God have mercy on us all.
Read more Suburban Turmoil at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
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Oh for the good ole days........when children were raised in fear of even a harsh word.......I know this all too well - I have a 23 year old daughter (who was so much more than a "monkey butt") who now has 2 children of her own (4 & 2..almost)....and they, together, compromise the Mini-Mafia, I thought for a moment you were talking about my grandson........he cries when she cries, she's prissy, opinionated and hateful, he's wide open 24/7, she is fearless and defiant.They do not fear their mother in any way........but at least, I can tell my grandaughter I'm coming to her house if she doesn't get it straight and she calms down. My daughter was that way with my Dad......but only him. My question: why do some people put the fear in God in children without ever raising a hand and others they walk all over? And why do our children even behave this way........Society in general has embedded in our mind that we are "mean, abusive, hateful beings" when we try to "teach" our children manners, how to behave. Spoil the rod.......not me, not anymore.......I follow my Dad's philosophy...."Go get a stick off that tree, I'm going to whip you with it"......seems to send "Monkey Butts" flying away!
Is it me, or does she come across as a pompous ass?
She speaks the truth.
No, I don't know too many parents that want to call their child an a-hole. That's classy.
WOW....WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW. I am in absolute amazement at this article. I am a dad to a 1 year old and a four year old, and her parenting is very upsetting to me. Guess what happens when you call you child a monkey but? They will in turn call you a monkey but. If you tell your child to shut up they will tell you to shut up. I told my child to behave or he was getting a spanking...this was in CVS. The girl at the counter said "I haven't heard anyone say that to a child in a while." I informed her that she hasn't spent much time at my house. I am not advocating for child abuse, but it is okay to tell a child NO. If you say No the right way to a one year old it will make them cry. This lady has no clue. By the way, if you actually got off the computer and watched your kids they will not destroy everything in your house.
The "Monkey Butt" wrote this article!
Whatever happened tochildren should be seen and not heardyes ma'am no ma'am yes sir no sirDiscipline your kid and make it stick!
You know what happened to that Kosh? It disappeared the first time someone reported "discipline" as child abuse. Now, you can't even talk sternly to them in public without someone complaining. Ridiculous.
If you read her bio or checked to see what this person does for a living you might see that she works from home and makes a living at her computer. So before you cast you stones sir you should find out the facts. Not only that but I can not belive you have never gotten so upset with your children that you had to leave the room or spank them. They are children who can be brats. It is part of growing up. and what is so upsetting??? At least she taking care of her children and going out and leaving them at home by themselves or dropping them off with relatives so she can party! or killing them because she does not want to be a parent anymore. What I got from the article that she loves this child, and is trying to raise a child not to the "monkey butt". I think it is sad when a person is just relating her thoughts can't even do that without getting blasted. If you read the begining of the post she was appauled by what the man in the mall said to his young son. Hello.... also she says for the most part is he is sweet child.I have 2 children who for the most part are good girls, but the there are times when they are moody and act out. I feel like they are being brats. It is ok to feel that way, just do beat them for it. Get off your high horse!!
Judging by some of these comments I'm pretty sure at least half of you didn't RTFA or have the ability to grasp concepts like "humor" "wit" "sarcasm. I have a very large very bright 2.25 year old and I can wholeheartedly agree with that feeling of frustration matched against my sons unbelievably massive adorableness. She's an author using big expressive words and I know that may be hard on the "OMG She said butt in the presence of children" and the "discipline is achieved only through the fist of an angry god" crowds to comprehend. I'm oft astounded at the number of moronic Nashvillians that have internet access. My only probably with Mrs. Ferrier is that she isn't single.
“But it doesn’t feel right to call a one-year-old an a-hole. Particularly when the a-hole is my own son.” My children can wear me down, but I would NEVER think of either as that. That is not clever or witty. It's really sad.Hoppesm, you should proof-read before you start calling people morons.
Hoppes, she is kinda cute. No pic today. Her husband is bigger than I am, so I'll shut up on that topic now.Somehow I've been blessed with semi-obedient kids. Maybe it is because I used to follow through on my threats to spank, even if it meant chasing them around the house to catch them. They are by no means perfect, but starting a three-count is enough to get them quiet. I dread the soon-to-arrive teen years though.I read this column fairly often and this is the first time I've seen a dozen comments. A title like "monkey butt" really draws 'em in. bfra probably thought he'd get to see some animal porn.
The "animal porn" is evidently on your mind! I just thought she was referring to herself.
I have to say. I usually love, love, love her articles. This one, I think missed the mark. It's okay to say to your husband that you want to call him an "a-hole" but I think verbalizing it to the world on the internet, probably isn't such a good idea. You are going to get a lot of negative opinions on this topic. I don't think she meant that she disliked Bruiser, but that is DEFINITELY what it came across as. When your four year old needs to correct you and tell you that he is not a monkey butt, and he is a sweet boy, a bell should go off.
omfg! don't you people get humor? don't you think money butt is better than you stinkin' little bastid? all kids act like an ahole at times, of course you'd think it but maybe have enough restraint not to say it to the kid ( outload at least) I would venture a guess that it would be far more acceptable than beating his head in with a chair ,eh? Kids, when they are disiplined don't need much after about the age of 5, because if you have been serious about punishing bad behaviour, they will understand that you are serious when you say no. the most annoying thing i ever hear a parent say is "don't do blahblahblah, OKAY? you are supposed to be in charge, not the kid, get it?
It's not about humor. It's about why would you ever call your child an a-hole? Or a bast*rd for that matter. It's your CHILD. And you're saying children don't need much discipline after the age of 5? That's insane. My children do not act like a-holes, they are my children...
I worked from home and raised two teenage boys who were never really brats but on some days really got under my skin. I have told them to shut up, go away and even given a swat on the bottom a few times (and they are normal in spite of it). It seems easy for people who either have no kids or have very, very young kids to criticize normal adults who have normal reactions to normal behavior. To those of you who still think your child's poo smells sweet, talk to me in about 16 years and let's just see who's judging who ;-) I mean all of this in a nice way, just so you know.And I'm guessing the author doesn't really use the "a" word with her children - if she said "now mommy doesn't like that sort of behavior, so go sit in the naughty chair...yadayadayadaya"....it wouldn't be "Surburban Turmoil" now would it?