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Suburban Turmoil: Sleepless in Nashville
Thursday, January 8, 2009 at 12:00am
I’m standing motionless in the middle of my kitchen. The seconds tick by, but I don’t move. I’m too busy thinking.
Where was I going? I wonder to myself. And what was it I was going to do?
It takes me a good 15 seconds of motionlessness before I remember and continue on my way. Or maybe I forget and think of something else to do instead. All I know is that this kind of thing happens to me all the time. And while I sometimes feel like I’m suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s, the truth is much simpler.
I need to get some damn sleep.
It’s been five years now since I’ve had a decent night of REM, starting with the final months of my first pregnancy and carrying on to well, now. And that’s one of the biggest things they never tell you about motherhood. Sleep deficiency isn’t something you suffer through for the first year or two of your children’s lives. Oh no. Once you take on the title of “Mom,” those dark circles under your eyes become a permanent feature.
At first, of course, you think you’re prepared. While pregnant, you read all the baby manuals and tell anyone who asks, “I will sleep when the baby sleeps.”
But you quickly find your baby’s naptime is the only time of day or night that you have all to yourself. So instead of sleeping, you’ll find yourself taking the first shower you’ve had in three days. Or changing your sheets. Or surfing the Internet for Canadian pharmacies that sell Xanax without a prescription.
Eventually (we’re still waiting for our 22-month-old to achieve this milestone), your baby will sleep through the night — only to develop the annoying habit of waking at 5:30 each morning. After several years now of six-hour nights, I think it’s safe to say this aspect of motherhood has turned me into a different person — an unplucked eyebrow, uncut hair kind of person. A person who’s perhaps slightly — no, wait — make that way bitchier than I was before having kids.
By the time your children are old enough to wait at least until dawn to rise, inevitably you’ll have more on your plate, whether you’re starting a new business, taking on an extra job, or heading up the PTSA. And then you face the problems of my good friend, Dana, a mother of three who recently began working full-time from home.
“I get hardly any sleep,” she admitted to me recently. “Mostly because once the kids to go to sleep, I stay up to do all of the things I didn't get done during the day and then I wake up at five to work because I want to get ahead of things before they wake up. I'm always tired.”
Like me, Dana does the stop-n-stare more often than she cares to admit. But she says that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
“Is almost rear ending someone because you were falling asleep funny?” she asked me. “It's not, is it? Or walking around with my keys in my hand, screaming ‘Where are my keys?! I need my keys or we're going to be late!’ or crying about how I lost another pair of sunglasses that were on my head while I was crying!”
It’s enough to make a mom yearn for her children to enter adolescence, just so that they can both sleep 12 hours in one stretch and get their own selves out of bed each morning. But as a full-time stepmom to 15 and 18-year-olds, let me tell you right now that you can expect to remain sleepless during the teen years, albeit for entirely different reasons.
“What’s happened to our relationship?” you’ll find yourself thinking at 3 a.m. as you stare balefully into the darkness. He used to think I was the most wonderful person in the world… Now he barely talks to me!”
Or, “Should I let her get that lip piercing she’s been begging for?” Or, “Why is he failing math?” Or, “What is her Facebook password, anyway?”
The weekends are even worse.
“It’s 11:57. Why isn’t she texting me back?” Or, “Yes, officer, thank you for calling. I’ll get to the station just as soon as I can.”
You get the picture.
“Don't you think we'd both be really brilliant and famous if we could just get eight hours of sleep per night?” I asked my friend Dana. “Instead, people are only getting a fraction of what we're truly capable of!”
“Yes!” Dana laughed. “That’s totally my problem! Although my husband would disagree.”
The conversation devolved then into the way that bulging discs can affect certain marital acts, and how perhaps Dana’s husband, who works in construction, should design and build some sort of contraption to make those acts easier. We ended the conversation crying with laughter. Oh, I know. It’s not really all that funny.
Unless you are 2,928 hours behind on sleep. Then it’s freaking hilarious.
Read more at www.suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com
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Filed under: City News
Can you imagine doing everything while working an 8 hour job outside of the house?No, probably not. I would consider myself lucky to be able to work from home and get things done during the day. It's a whole different world when you have to function at work and risk losing your job to sleep deprivation. What do you risk? Burning dinner? Count your blessings.
Not to bait the troll, but I do have a full time job, "nikkiblue," and make full time pay, in addition to raising my children without the help of daycare or preschool. I'm quite sure you work hard, but I don't think you work any harder than I do. So I suggest you take your own advice and count YOUR blessings. You'd be amazed at how much more fulfilled you'd feel.
I said "while working an 8 hour job outside of the house".I never mentioned anything about pay, so I'm not sure where you're going with that...?You work from home. You can do your laundry, go to the supermarket, run all kinds of errands during the day that we working moms have to do after we get home or on the weekends. All I am saying is that you are fortunate to have the ability to work from home. And you're complaining about how tired you are. Wow.
Cat fight.. I luv it.
And when exactly do you think I do the work I get paid to do? I'm just curious. I can understand you being bitter toward the stay-at-home mom with a full-time nanny- but you are really going to get people riled if you try to insinuate that work-at-home moms somehow have it easier than you do, particularly when you have daycare and we don't. You lucky WOHM. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm really too tired to continue this discussion.
Um, how long does it take to write up the dribble you post on here? I don't think you would have trouble finding a few minutes throughout the day. It just amazes me what people complain about when they have so much in life. "Oh no, my diamond shoes are too tight!!"
Lindsay, nikiblue said you ain't no Erma Bombeck.I strongly disagree of course.
nikkiblue~I have no children and worked from home for almost two years. During those two years I had no life outside of work since it was right there. My home looked like a tornado blew through. And because I worked from home, there was no break and my boss certainly had no qualms with calling me at 7pm on a Friday night to go over something because, hey my office was just right there. It is not easy to work from home and you have to be disiplined, which basically means that you have to get up and go through the routine you would if you worked outside of the home and in order to get your work done, you don't do personal items such as laundry and running errands. In fact, it was frowned upon in my job because people needed to communicate with me during normal business hours. I don't get people (in general) who spend every.waking.moment whining over how tough their life is compared to someone elses. If you actually comprehended the article, it stated that if moms had eight hours of sleep nightly, just think of all that could be accomplished. Take your bitter somewhere else, we are all full here.
I'm a working mom of two darling daughters (3 & 6) and I think I have it easier than Lindsay does when it comes to getting my "paid" work done. I don't have distractions, other than my coworkers, I get errands done on my lunch hour, and I have my family to help out at night with the cooking/cleaning/picking up. It's all about how you make the best out of your situation. I think I would honestly be more tired if I stayed at home with the kids and zero breaks. If I do take the day off and stay home with them, I get all crabby and can't wait for the husband to get home. Trust me, when momma's happy, EVERYONE is happy.
Jeez, Lindsey really is a tool, huh? Not even a very good article either.
Let's see....you had time do do preschool nature class, go to art camp with Punky, go to Baskin Robbins while running errands during the day....geez, I don't know WHEN you have time to do the work you are paid to do. Oh, wait. I remember. Your "hubby" watches the kiddos while you relax at Starbucks and "write". Such a hard life...
I don't think we can pass judgment on Lindsay's life. We don't really know what all she has on her plate.What I DO know is that it's really hard being a working mom, whether you work from home, or at an office. You still have to put in a lot of hours. And I'm sure those who work at home get dumped on a lot because they're "at home
I am sensing a tang of jealousy from nikkiblue. I think the advice would be tough she-it for you. Whiner.
Had to chime in.I worked full time, went to graduate school full time and had a child who was under one year old. I was tired.Now I stay at home and have 2 children (3 yrs and 4 months) and I AM EXHAUSTED. I never get a break- EVER! I miss the quiet mornings when I would get to work early and just do adult worky things. Yeah, now I can't even carry on a conversation with anyone above 5 years old. And everyone thinks I have it made because I stay home and do nothing all day...
LOL! Yeah, those baby sitting jobs get in the way of my afternoon beer anyway.
Unless those little buggers know how to fetch a can outta the fridge.
Yikes! I absolutely agree with Lindsay! As a SAHM of two children 6 years apart in two different schools, the President of the PTO at one school, a room mom at the other school, a writer and a wife. I am EXHAUSTED and I know I would be a much more patient and charming person if I could get more than 5 or 6 hours of sleep. Being at home with your children is the most wonderful job in the world however; it is non-stop! I don't get a lunch break or a paid vacation. My job needs me to be on call 24 hours per day, 7 days per week!!!
I cannot imagine why, dear nikkiblue,you have such a chip on your shoulder. You are a mother just like Linday and the rest of us. So you and all of us are included in what Lindsay is writing about- we are all exhausted! We should not be bickering over who has the harder job the work at home mom, the stay at home mom or the work out of the home mom. We are all working hard all the time no matter what. Like Lindsay said, none of us have had a great night's sleep since the last few months of pregnancy. Unless of course you have the luxury of going on vacation or a night out without the kids now and then. (But then if you're with your hubby, you're likely not getting much sleep then either.) I am a stay at home mom who happens to have 2 part time work out of the home jobs and 3 kids. 2 of my boys have autism, not that that matters. I am busy all day and all night, getting maybe 4 hours of interrupted sleep a night. Yet people like you think I'm sitting on the couch watching Oprah and doing nothing.So yes, there are some days when I nap while they nap and gosh darnit, I DESERVE it when maybe the night before I was up all night with one crying child or another (or all 3) and still getting out of bed at 5am and keeping the house together, my husband together, marketing myself for my "jobs
Geez, I'm glad I chose to own dogs vs. having kids! Hey, if they misbehave I put them in their crates and it's not child abuse.
So nazi, you say ''go to your crate'' instead of room?
yep, and they do it without complaining. no crying, no weeping, no tantrums. and i don't have to save for their college.
I was a work at home dad for several years. It's easy-until they start moving and talking! Then it isn't, especially when you are on the phone with a client. So I'm with Lindsay here. Sure it's nice to do some laundry while you are working but now that I work outside the home, I find the washing machine and dishwasher still work after 5 pm. And I find it much easier to get errands done now, without kids in tow.
I've done the key thing, too. My son 'found' them by pointing to my hand. While laughing.
TFT, your problem was that you fed your child. If you don't feed them they become lethargic and more managable. Especially if you put whiskey in the baby bottle.
Now Blanket, somebody out there is gonna take you serious, and that will just blow all those babysitting jobs!
You, are not right!
Seriously, I would come to work any day of the week over being a stay at home mom. I have some friends who are and they always look exhausted and are so thankful for contact with adults by the end of the day. Hey, my boss might get grumpy but I can take a time out a drink my coffee for a second without being bothered.
I'd rather have kids than dogs. Kids don't smell when they get wet...
depends on what kind of wet.
I find this sooo funny. I work and my wife stays at home and watches the kids. She is always complaining about being tired. Yet, she stays up way later than I do every night. Most kids I know go to bed early, maybe the moms should try that to. I go to bed at 10:00... my wife stays up to 12:00. Yes, she is going to be more tired than I am. She claims that she needs more me time. I never get me time... I thought that is what being a parent was all about.
she probably stays up late because it's her only chance to be alone!
Klskelley- you (the one working outside the home) get "me time" when you drive to and from work, when you go out to lunch every single day and if you work out/go the gym. These are all examples of "me time". It is time alone that you don't have to do anything for anyone else but yourself. Heck, taking a shower is me time to most SAHM's! This is why she stays up until midnight, she needs to do something for her and only about her. Why? Ask yourself these questions if you think you don't get me time. Do you get up when the kids do during the night for years on end? Do you take them to the store with you when you shop, get gas, go anywhere even the doctor? Do you run your schedule day in and and day out according to their needs,their friends,school, etc? Do you also have to take care of your significant other(laundry, cleaning up after,feeding) on top of caring for all the kids and putting yourself and your wants and needs last? Do you get a shower every day? Do you get up with the kids when they do in the morning and feed/dress and coordinate their days before going to work? Or do you get up just in time to grab a shower and a bite before kissing the wife and heading to work? Do you talk to your collegues about work all the time or do you get to socialize about the game or where they had a great dinner last night? Do your friends constantly talk about and ask about the kids or can you have an adult conversation that doesn't involve kids,playdates,preschool,school,peer pressure,how to keep them off drugs, etc? Honestly, a mother's life completely revolves around her children and spouse/S.O. It is all she is allowed to talk or think about. If she complains she's tired realise how freaking lucky you are and thank her for allowing you to go to bed at 10! Be so thankful she's not making you/asking you/bitching at you to stay up and clean the house or make lunches or do laundry or plan dinner for the week or figure out how to make everyone happy all the time. "Me time" will win out over tired every single time. That's why I am awake at 12:55am with 2 birthday parties tomorrow morning and a 6am wake up call from the youngest. The next time someone, anyone thinks staying at home with the kids isn't work you should be made to stay at home with all the children for a month taking over all the "Mom" duties and see how much of a break working full time (only 40 hours a week) really is. Working outside of the home is really a lot easier. Just ask most any mother who works full time but stayed home with their children at some time. Except for the nikki woman above who thinks we just sit at home and complain.I love what I do and I am so incredibly lucky, but does that mean I can't also be a person with personal needs because I don't have a paying full time job?
Klskelley- you (the one working outside the home) get "me time" when you drive to and from work, when you go out to lunch every single day and if you work out/go the gym. These are all examples of "me time". It is time alone that you don't have to do anything for anyone else but yourself. Heck, taking a shower is me time to most SAHM's! This is why she stays up until midnight, she needs to do something for her and only about her. Why? Ask yourself these questions if you think you don't get me time. Do you get up when the kids do during the night for years on end? Do you take them to the store with you when you shop, get gas, go anywhere even the doctor? Do you run your schedule day in and and day out according to their needs,their friends,school, etc? Do you also have to take care of your significant other(laundry, cleaning up after,feeding) on top of caring for all the kids and putting yourself and your wants and needs last? Do you get a shower every day? Do you get up with the kids when they do in the morning and feed/dress and coordinate their days before going to work? Or do you get up just in time to grab a shower and a bite before kissing the wife and heading to work? Do you talk to your collegues about work all the time or do you get to socialize about the game or where they had a great dinner last night? Do your friends constantly talk about and ask about the kids or can you have an adult conversation that doesn't involve kids,playdates,preschool,school,peer pressure,how to keep them off drugs, etc? Honestly, a mother's life completely revolves around her children and spouse/S.O. It is all she is allowed to talk or think about. If she complains she's tired realise how freaking lucky you are and thank her for allowing you to go to bed at 10! Be so thankful she's not making you/asking you/bitching at you to stay up and clean the house or make lunches or do laundry or plan dinner for the week or figure out how to make everyone happy all the time. "Me time" will win out over tired every single time. That's why I am awake at 12:55am with 2 birthday parties tomorrow morning and a 6am wake up call from the youngest. The next time someone, anyone thinks staying at home with the kids isn't work you should be made to stay at home with all the children for a month taking over all the "Mom" duties and see how much of a break working full time (only 40 hours a week) really is. Working outside of the home is really a lot easier. Just ask most any mother who works full time but stayed home with their children at some time. Except for the nikki woman above who thinks we just sit at home and complain.I love what I do and I am so incredibly lucky, but does that mean I can't also be a person with personal needs because I don't have a paying full time job?
blanket, you'd be a great mom. Kls on the other hands needs to take some time off and let the wife go to "work" so he can see how his other half really lives. There is no harder job in the world.