Beverly Keel: Don't draw a blank with Firearm Fashions

Thursday, June 11, 2009 at 12:00am

I’ve been inspired to take action after our state legislators passed a bill allowing handguns to be carried in bars and restaurants, and I must act quickly. Surely I’m not the only one who sees this headline-grabbing legislation as a prime business opportunity just waiting to be exploited before it takes effect next month.

Throughout the bill’s controversial journey, which included a veto and override, one crucial unanswered question has remained: What is the most fashionable way of concealing a weapon while enjoying an evening at Nashville’s trendiest nightspots? As Coco Chanel should have said, “You must always be hotter than the heat you’re packin’.”

Sure, gunmetal may be the new black in Tennessee, but how much weight will a Derringer add to your derriere? You want your secret weapon to be, well, your secret weapon, instead of the unattractive lump that frightens away potential suitors before they can be enticed by your deep understanding of NRA bylaws.

That’s why I’m launching Firearm Fashions, a clothing and accessories line for style-conscious men and women who take their appearance as seriously as their protection. Your little secret will remain safe with us, especially if the legislature makes the gun permit list private in Tennessee.

The Palin line for women includes slimming black pants with an impressively engineered trademark design featuring an interior gun pocket on the inner mid-thigh to eliminate any unsightly bulges. Of course, immediate access is a necessity, so a quick-to-rip Velcro strip hidden along the inseam is all that stands between you and your target. That nagging problem of where to store your bullets discreetly is solved with the Coulter bra. You’ll look perpetually perky while your confidence gets a boost by the cold steel pressing against your skin.

You can’t just pull a handgun out of a handbag without risking the spillage of embarrassing feminine items, so we present the Principal purse. Inspired by actress Victoria Principal, these evening bags and large totes offer exterior pockets that are sized perfectly for your specific gun model so that you can immediately brandish your pistol should you encounter your maid or other threats. This ensures that you won’t reach into your purse frantically, only to unknowingly whip out a Blackberry in self-defense.

Our men’s line features the relaxed-fit Heston pants, which are engineered to allow a patron to sit comfortably with his single shot while ordering a double shot at the bar. (Of course, we know all of our armed customers will honor the law requiring them to abstain from alcohol consumption. Wink, wink.)

The straight-cut Nugent jeans with their strategically located gun holder will have the young women asking, “Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you glad to see me?” (“Yes,” is the mysterious response we advise.) Great thought went into the gun’s location so that the wearer doesn’t pull the trigger too soon.

Complementing the pants is the Colt jacket, which is designed to appear as if there is a large gun in each front pocket, just to keep ‘em wondering whether you draw with your left or right hand.

Before you take a stroll through your arsenal in preparation of date night, we encourage you to peruse our soon-to-be-launched Web site to meet your newfound needs. Remember our motto: Don’t let your gun be the only thing that’s smokin’.

I’d like to thank the state legislature for their unexpected move, which should provide a steady supply of revenue for me during this frightening recession. Who knew that Middle Tennessee would become the center of fashion? Chanel’s Karl Lagerfeld has found his muse in Nicole Kidman, and I have Sen. Doug Jackson, the bill’s co-sponsor. In these troubled times, I take my inspiration where I can get it.

 

Keel is a longtime journalist and current director of the Seigenthaler Chair of Excellence in First Amendment Studies at MTSU where she teaches courses in music publicity and entertainment journalism.

11 Comments on this post:

By: HenryB on 6/11/09 at 5:31

Beverly: This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Kudos.

By: NashvilleAdam on 6/11/09 at 6:15

I am not sure if Coco had a gun. Her boyfriend certainly did; Hans Gunther von Dincklage (Nazi spy).

By: irishtea on 6/11/09 at 8:13

I figured you could take your fashion design from the black gangster style. They wear their clothes below their butts and often carry illegal guns for the purpose of robbing you.

By: Cookie47 on 6/11/09 at 8:56

I agree with irishtea but please provide a handle on the waist to keep their Uzi from actually weighing them all the way down. It'll make it more difficult for them to run from the cops.

I think I'll stick to my Levis and belt. However, I would like to see some hiking shorts designs that will work well with a holster.

I can see only one flaw in your business plan. Tennessee is a carry state, not a conceal-carry state, even though concealment is encouraged.

Funny article.

Cookie47

By: PromosFriend on 6/11/09 at 10:12

While the tone of the article was derisive and meant to be insulting to those that have their carry permit, I find the idea very appealing. It is somewhat difficult to comfortably conceal a handgun and still have ready access. So, by all means, please carry through with your idea. You might be surprised at how large a market you would have. So far the best I've seen is a T-shirt with an under-the-arm holster sewn in. Its a little pricey though, so if you can come up with a similar design, and other fashionable/functional wear, at a popular price I'll bet you could retire from journalism.

By: sandburn on 6/11/09 at 10:28

Sorry, Bev, but Cabela's, among others, has been selling a carry purse for years. And the Coulter bra might not be so popular: women don't need to carry their "bullets" anywhere but in their weapon -- they're not Barney Fife!

By: Cookie47 on 6/11/09 at 10:46

Maybe we handgun carry permit holders should just start carrying unconcealed. That way the anti-gun people will know who to be unjustly afraid of and the thugs and low-lifes will know who not to mess with.

I realize this article was meant to be tongue-in-cheek and I must admit I found it somewhat amusing. At the same time, I'm also amazed at the way the anti-gun people are so afraid of HCP holders but want to coddle the criminals. I guess that's just the liberal mindset.

Cookie47

By: slzy on 6/11/09 at 11:00

once again,silliness is confirmed as the biggest problem the United States faces.

By: girliegirl on 6/11/09 at 1:07

Oh slzy, some of my best friends have been carrying long before this new law was even proposed. And those cute little derringers are easy enough to tuck away. ;-)

By: idgaf on 6/12/09 at 4:57

PromosFriend....Those gimmicks have beed tried before and rejected. A T shirt? how many days in a row are you going to wear it or how many are you going to buy?

sandburn...The LAST place you want to carry your gun is in your purse where a purse snatcher could hit the jackpot.

Derringers are antiquated one or two shots and they are heavier then autos/revolvers that are made today beside being having to be cocked before being fired.

Woman who carry should be just as prepared as men that do and I recomend the basic horizontal shoulder holster that can be worn under an open blouse (some sort of shirt underneath) or business suit and an inside the pants holder with a strap preferably with double snaps not a clip which can concealed with an outside the pants blouse/shirt. Those two will cover most occassions.

The problem with ultra concealable/specialty holsters is easy access. 7 Trees now defunct who use to make spy holsters made one that was barely there with garter belt attachments that you could attach to a T-shirt or other garment . Think about getting that out fast.

Gimmick holsters are just that not for serious self defence.

By: slzy on 6/12/09 at 9:12

i'm sure yer right girligirl,and they also carried them before ms. keels' article.