Jessica Lynch develops from

Monday, June 23, 2003 at 1:00am

Dear Jessica,

I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to "get" you to talk to me instead of all those others. You're now the interview to get, you know.

So what can I offer? I know you've been offered a free Hawaii vacation, and that the networks have offered everything but the three wise men to get your story.

NBC's Katie Couric sent you a bunch of patriotic books, including Rudy Giuliani's Leadership, in her bid to get your interview. Let's see, you just turned 20, got half your best bones broken, were a prisoner of war in an enemy hospital, and dadgum, young lady, what you need is a reading table loaded with books on leadership and patriotism. I can't compete with that.

And then I read that ABC's Diane Sawyer sent you a locket with a picture of your house in it. I get it. "Home is where the heart is." It's a tad Hallmarkish for my taste, but kind of sweet. On the other hand, jewelry? I was thinking of a Glock myself, but that's just me.

Next I read that one CBS correspondent was so desperate for an interview that she started sharing astrological signs. Puleez. So Jane Clayson and you are both Tauruses. Boy, that ought to cinch the deal. Frankly, I don't know how you stand all this baloney. On the other hand, for what it's worth, I'm a Libra.

The bunker buster, I guess, has to be the CBS proposal: a two-hour CBS documentary, another program with MTV Networks, a concert in Palestine, W.Va., by a "star act"

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