Nashville's Online Source for Daily News
Search Site
Suburban Turmoil: Accidents happen
It’s one of those instant replays of life that has burned itself into the cortex of my brain and will likely remain there until the day I die.
In this particular clip, I glance into the bathroom mirror and spot my year-old son leaning against the rim of the tub behind me. His head is thrown back and he holds an upended bottle of rubbing alcohol to his lips.
Time slows to an agonizing frame-by-frame as I turn and lunge toward my baby boy, knocking the bottle away from his mouth at the exact moment the liquid glugs out of it. Rubbing alcohol splashes onto his face and spills down the front of his shirt.
He screams in confusion and rage as I grab him and cradle his stout body in one arm like an oversized football. Holding him face down so that nothing disappears down his throat, I take a towel, wet it down and desperately swab his mouth and teeth and tongue and face and eyes and hands.
After a few minutes of observation, it’s clear my son is all right. Me? Not so much. I’m shaking, sobbing, mentally punching myself over and over for leaving an open bottle of rubbing alcohol on the side of the tub. I had left it there the day before, after finding a tick on my daughter’s shoulder.
Later, I write about the incident on my blog.
I qualify that my son’s nonexistent sleep habits have left me exhausted and numb. That finding the tick the day before had freaked me out. That my bathroom is ordinarily off-limits to the kids. And that ultimately, there is no excuse good enough for what happened. I am a horrible mother.
Of course, my kindhearted readers assure me that that’s not the case. Accidents happen, they say, and proceed to share their own horror stories as proof. Many of the moms tell tales of children who’ve drunk floor polish or gotten their hands on grandma’s medication. Two readers admit they forgot to buckle their car seat into the car, and didn’t realize it until it flipped over in the backseat with the child strapped inside.
Some of the stories are far more harrowing. One mom, while traveling with her child, got out of her car without putting it into park and had to run to get back inside it as it started to roll out into a busy street. Another spilled hot coffee on her toddler, who consequently had to spend three days in a burn unit. Still another woke up to find her pillow covering the face of her sleeping infant beside her.
In every case, the children survived and the story will one day become part of the family lore, something that’s discussed and even laughed about later. One grandmother we know loves to tell about the time 30 years ago, when she ran over her young son in the driveway — twice. She rolled over the kid, then, after realizing what had happened, panicked, reversed and ran over him again.
“I still remember, Mickey was wearing his Superman costume,” she always concludes, “and he stood up in the driveway and said, ‘You killed me, Mommy!’” That punch line always results in raucous laughter from her audience. Mickey is 34 now, and absolutely fine.
Yes, so long as no one gets hurt, we are oh so forgiving of other parents’ inevitable childrearing errors and miscalculations. We’re all human we reassure each other. We’re all going to make mistakes.
But the moment tragedy strikes, as it did recently when Mike Tyson’s 4-year-old daughter died after accidentally strangling herself on the cord of a treadmill, the judgment begins. It’s veiled, it’s filled with words like "tragic" and "unfortunate," but it’s there. It’s always there.
Bloggers write posts saying the death of Tyson’s daughter could have been prevented. Mothers talk among themselves, swearing their children never get near the Bowflex in their bonus room. And cable news networks call in experts to tell us all how dangerous exercise equipment can be around children.
Well, duh. Tell us something we don’t know.
Of course exercise equipment can be dangerous. Along with glass-topped tables, bathtubs, the cords on window shades, outlets, rusty nails, pets, magnetic toys, improperly installed car seats, undercooked chicken, swimming pools and kitchen appliances.
There are dozens of ways my children could seriously hurt themselves in my own home. A simple, thoughtless mistake on my part could change everything. I could inadvertently leave a second story window open. Or forget to close the gate at the top of our steep wooden staircase. Or leave a bottle of rubbing alcohol open beside the tub.
These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night, if I let them. I have to will myself to remember that I’m doing the best job I can, and trust in the belief that my children will survive childhood relatively unscathed.
Some parents won’t be so lucky. A moment of forgetfulness or decreased vigilance will change their lives forever. And when that happens, I don’t want to be the one who points a finger. It will be an accident, a mistake any of us could have made.
And, as so many moms have told me, accidents happen.
Read more of Lindsay’s columns at www.suburbanturmoil.com
Delicious
Digg
StumbleUpon
Newsvine
Facebook
Twitter
Google
Technorati29 Comments on this post:
Mailing list sign-up
1260 Harmon Springs Rd, Dickson
Price: $0
Bedrooms/Bathrooms: 0/0
231 Green Harbor Dr Unit 32, Old Hickory
Price: $0
Bedrooms/Bathrooms: 0/0
View More Homes
At least part of the urge to judge, I think, comes from our relief that it didn't happen to us - along with the knowledge it very well could have. We feel a little guilty that we messed something up, but got away with it, while someone else's family was not so blessed. We have that urge to point and say "bad parents!", as if by saying it about someone else, it may never be said of us.
My heart is breaking for the Tyson family, for the immediate pain and for the lifelong impact of this event. My prayer is that they will find friends and family who will simply hold them, and tell them as often as possible that accidents happen.
When I hear stories like that my first thought is always "There but for the grace of god, go I" because I learned early on how easy it is screw up when your a parent.
That baby bouncer of the desk..the one she's not big enough to actually bounce in... she learned to bounce in a nano-second and I found myself grateful I still had some old 3rd baseman skills left as I made a diving catch for her.
Since that day - I make no judgments.
Gah! Even the things we think are harmless, they still find a way to hurt themselves. Dylan is almost three and not a day goes by without some kind of "owwie". It's driving me up the wall!
I always have heart break towards parents whose children have passed due to an unfortunate accident. I doubt there are any parents out there who are purposely putting their children in harm's way. The blogosphere can be so horribly judgmental, and severely lacks in genuine compassion. No parent should have to bury their child. It's an unimaginable amount of pain.
I don't think we MEAN to judge... but you're right, we do. At least in my case, it's a sense of "OMG, I'm so glad it wasn't ME that it happened to". But it could have been... every single time. We've all had stupid mommy moments where something horrible could have happened. And we consider ourselves blessed when it doesn't.
I try so hard not to judge... I don't always succeed. But I remind myself of my own stupid moments.
My son, 18 months old, strapped into his stroller while I watched hubby work on the car. No longer using a bottle, he had recently discovered grown up water bottles, and was fascinated. I turned my back for 3 seconds... literally. And he stretched himself out, reaching that bottle on the ground that he should NOT have been able to reach. It was a water bottle... but it was filled with the brake fluid hubby had just drained from the car. And he drank some of it. Shaking, crying, on the phone with poison control - he was fine. He did NOT like the taste, so only managed to ingest a tiny bit. But, it could have been so much worse.
Or ignoring his screams from upstairs at 2. He hated naptime. This was a daily occurrence. Nothing out of the ordinary. After 10 minutes, I went up to calm him down and put him back in his toddler bed. Only to find out he had figured out how to pull the drawers out of the dresser, and decided to use them as stairs to reach something on top. Pulled the dresser (old oak, full of clothes) over onto himself. Thank God, he was sandwiched between the bed and the dresser, so there was no real damage - the mattress was cushiony enough. Other than flowers embossed into his legs from the handles, he was fine, according to the doc at the ER.
It's that sense of fear, sense of possibilities, that KNOWING that it just as well could have been us that cause us to react the way we do. Unfortunately, it makes us feel better, as we're slamming the parents that made such a simple error that they never imagined could have such consequences.
When my oldest was 10 months old, he woke up from his nap while I was downstairs switching loads of laundry. I heard him on the monitor. I came up our stairs, put the laundry basket down and went to his room to tend to him. When we left his bedroom, I went to the fridge to get a cup of milk. There was a noise at the front door. My son went running to place his hands on the gate, yelling, "DADA! DADA!" Except that, in the scenario I described above, I didn't close our gate.
He fell down our very long staircase.
Ugh.
He was fine. I was not. To boot, he tripped over his own feet on the last two steps and fell again today, two and a half years later. I'm feeling like a champion today.
I don't feel judgment when people make honest mistakes and bad things happen. I feel fear for my own family, knowing that I've made similar and/or the same mistakes. What I can't handle, however, are actual cases of abuse or neglect. That's when my judgmental mode slips into high gear and I can't seem to make that stop. My compassion level seems to not go that far even though, perhaps, it should in some cases.
All the same, I do feel better when other moms say that, yes, their child has fallen down the steps. Repeatedly. Sigh.
-
FireMom
http://stopdropandblog.com
My then 2 year old cousin nearly fell out a second story window. My aunt caught him by one foot and my uncle had to pull them both in from the roof. It was a moment that scared all of us, especially because the window was supposedly secure, and then it wasn't.
I don't have kids, but I have very young cousins, nieces and nephews and the stories are scary, but I think that we have to remember that there's a reason we call them accidents and not on-purposes. No one means to have something happen to their children and even if every single thing is baby proofed, it doesn't mean that every single thing is accident proof.
I think as parents you have to do your part to protect your children and then accept that sometimes, things out of your control will happen anyways and all you can do is learn how to best respond to them and prevent them in the future.
I think every parent has had those moments where their child(ren) has gotten hurt on their watch; luckily, most such incidents can be quickly forgotten and forgiven. I'd rather let me kids get bumped and bruised trying things, though, then never being allowed the freedom to try new things.
One of my 'scariest' bathroom moments with my now-4 year old happened when he was 2. My husband had just returned from a trip to the far east and had, unknowingly to me, brought home some new shoe polish. That he left out in our bedroom. Well guess who liked to lotion in the morning with mommy after mommy's shower? Sigh. I posted about it at the time; once I got over the initial shock, I found the whole situation rather amusing: http://thereeweare.blogspot.com/2007/10/my-son-thinks-hes-shoe.html
ewe_are_here
http://www.thereeweare.blogspot.com
I have to admit, my first thought was 'Why were Tyson's relatives not watching the little girl?' And then I remembered a couple of weeks ago when my 2-year-old son was riding his tricycle in the cul-de-sac where we live and took off toward the 'main' road as he is apt to do. Sure, we yelled after him but 7-months pregnant, I wasn't chasing and my husband was saying his goodbye's to friends so he delayed. Well, our neighbor started backing down their drive-way just about the time that our son was approaching their drive-way. My husband took off running and yelling- it would have been too late had the neighbors not stopped. I was so scared and angry and thankful that he was alright.
www.bebop-truly.blogspot.com
I think that the reason we're so quick to point the finger and judge is that if we can convince ourselves that it's only "bad parents" (which we certainly aren't, of course!) whose children are seriously injured then we can also convince ourselves that it would NEVER happen to us. But we know that it's nearly random. Sure, there are some things you can do to mitigate situations, but in the end it could happen to any of us.
I was at a hotel pool with both of my non-swimming children this week. We were all on the steps. My oldest (3 1/2) hates getting his face in the water. My youngest (almost 2) thinks it's a hoot. I was paying attention to the oldest and not the youngest. When I turned around the top third of her head was bobbing on the surface of the water. She never panicked, just held her breath, and she was fine. If that had been my son, or if I had waited a little longer to notice, it could have been tragedy. And I think I'm mostly a good parent. God help us all. Really.
That was me
marybeth.bernheisel.org
Yes - accidents do happen, and as you state, sometimes the outcome is not always one of a lesson learned filled with boundless gratitude and relief. Read about Kyle David Miller Foundation - his parents did not know he was too young to be in a booster seat. They did not know seatbelts can fail - especially in rollover accidents. They didn't know that higher weight capacity car seats existed....but they are trying to make sure no one else makes the same mistake. Check out their foundation - http://www.kyledavidmiller.org or the blog - http://www.kdmf.blogspot.com and learn how to prevent losing your child to the same tragedy.
I agree with the earlier posts in that the tendency to judge comes out of relief that it wasn't us--and that we still harbour that guilt from our own mistakes.
Remembering some of my own stupid lapses in judgement is enough to bring me to tears--and my son came through fine, every time. I can't imagine the anguish that comes when there's serious injury.
At the same time, it's such a relief to know I'm not the only one with careless moments.
www.messofpoutine.blogspot.com
I hate when those accidents happen...not only for the obvious and heartbreaking reason that a child is gone and a family is suffering, but because the temptation is there to start the endless worry cycle. But the fact is, anything can kill us at any time. I pray to become more mindful of the fact that 99% of parents are doing the best they can, and do as much as they can to protect their children. So, so sad for the Tyson family.
Jill http://kingsdaughtersthoughts.blogspot.com/
(You can visit if you want, but I just got started on it and it only has one lonely post. :) )
Yea! One giant mommy therapy session for free! I think it’s therapeutic for moms to hear from other moms all the crazy stupid things that happen sometimes. But like you said, we all have a good laugh, and empathize until something REALLY bad happens. But accidents do happen, even tragic ones. We pray they won't, and we strive to do our best to prevent them, but sometimes bad things do happen. That is when real empathy, concern, and understanding are needed the most and sometimes the hardest to give.
Minor shout out-
You are my favorite Mama blogger by far, Lindsay (next to my bff of course, who I must pay homage to!) Whether its mama drama, humor, deep, or ridiculous, I always know a post by you will be well worth reading!
:) Brooke www.stilllearninglife.blogspot.com
There's an interesting balance between understanding that accidents happen and making sure they don't happen again. An accident like this raises a lot of awareness and probably saves many other children in the storm of information that follows. It sucks that the parent is judged for something like that, though, because there's no doubt that they're already beating themselves up about it without the help of other parents.
I hate that these accidents that happen... yet, after parenting for 13+ years, we have had some needless things happen in our home.
The most recent "injury" came just this past January, as my husband and I were leaving Sam's Club one evening with all three kids in tow. He had the three year old and the five year old in the double basket in the front... and was running with them outside. It had been raining, and the basket FLIPPED. With the kids in the front. Our five year old daughter ended up with road rash on her body in various spots, and screaming that her "monkey" hurt (you know, where the bar goes between her legs in the shopping cart?). Well, my husband was CRUSHED. Everyone ended up all right in the end- our three year old son had NO injuries, and our daughter had some serious scabs.
I tell the story because it is unheard of. And, since this latest flub, I am quick NOT to pass judgement on other parents.
Melody
http://makingthatspecialface.blogspot.com/
Audra, Arkansas
I have dropped my baby while in his carseat, accidently double-dosed my older son with a prescription cough medicine, and pinched his fingers in a doorframe. Accidents will happen. It feels horrible. When children are willfully harmed by an adult, there's just no excuse for that. But for those of us who are bumbling through parenting and doing the best we can, we just have to know that our kids will survive in spite of us and not because of us. That's what my mom told me when I was sobbing about the finger pinching, right before she reminded me about the time when I was six, and she dropped a hot curling iron on my back while fixing my hair.
Love your blog Lindsey. (I'm new to bloggerdom.) You can visit me at:
http://fourjugs.blogspot.com/
Audra Flammang
My husband and I were talking about this topic just the other day. I linked to an article (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/27/AR2009022701549.html?sid=ST2009030602446) online that really kickstarted the entire discussion.
The daughter of a very good friend of mine died several years ago because of a tragic accident, a horrible mistake. I personally believe that any of these accidents - running over your child, locking your child in a car, leaving a window on the 2nd story open, etc, can happen to anybody. ANYBODY. It is, by no means, a measure of your parenting. Accidents happen. People make mistakes. All people. And it can happen to everyone.
I wish that it hadn't taken me knowing someone whose family was struck by tragedy to figure that out, but it did.
http://www.becomingsarah.com
I've heard the "Why wasn't she watching the kids?" question come up a few times in the Tyson case. But from what I read, she was in the next room, cleaning. And honestly, from the time my daughter was 4 1/2, she's pretty much had the run of the house. She's in a different room from me quite often. I can always hear her, but I don't always have my eyes directly on her, or on my son, for that matter. What parent does, 100% of the time? It's just about impossible. And I think I'm on the more paranoid end of the parenting spectrum!
I think we're all guilty, at one time or another, of slipping up. I know I have a few of times. And I can't even bring myself to speak about it. I can't fathom what it must be like when something really bad happens to your child as a result of something you have done. So yes, insult does not need to be added to injury, by pointing the finger (unless of course they have purposely put their child at risk). The parent's suffering for their own mistake will probably suffice.
Lady Mama
http://lady-mama.blogspot.com/
My kids are one and two, and I've already had more scary moments than I'd like to admit. The worst was when my 2 y/o pulled a smallish, 3 ft high dresser onto himself when I was upstairs changing sheets. All but the bottom of the four drawers--which held blocks and other small toys--were secured shut. And I'd thought it was too stout a piece of furniture to pose a risk. But within minutes of my leaving the room and still in good earshot, he climbed into the bottom drawer and the whole thing toppled over onto him. He suffered only a fat lip, but I still shudder thinking about it.
There was also an incident trying to get both kids to the car. The older one was walking but not listening and made a run for it when I had my 5-month-old daughter in my arms. She could sit but not crawl, so I seated her on our concrete patio to go grab my son. She lunged forward and scraped up her face on the cement--distracting me again from the other one and causing me to yell at him way too harshly (he was 20 mos). I was good and shaken from that for a long time--they could've both gotten badly hurt or worse, but again, all was okay.
I can totally see something like what happened to Mike Tyson's little girl happening to us. Yes, exercise equipment is dangerous, but 4-year-olds tend to have a bit more freedom and understand the rules to an extent. You can't keep your eyes glued to them every second. I was really shocked when I read all the criticism rather than sympathy. We all eff up sometimes; most of us get away with just a good wakeup call. We should be more understanding of other parents who make mistakes--celebrities or not.
Deb B.
www.spawnocalypse.com
to be honest, one time i found myself sort of hoping my daughter would get hurt (just a teeny-tiny-little-bit) on my husband's watch because he was so incredibly critical of how i could let her get hurt on my watch. i still worry that he would never forgive me if something tragic happens. since then i have saved my daughter from being hit by a car, something i try never to remember but he thinks of all the time. how can we protect them from everything? i just can't foresee every single thing they will do. but it scares me to death if i stop to think about it...
myattkids.blogspot.com
Just last week, my 11 month old, in a moment of wild glee while inside her walker, rammed full speed into a room divider causing it to fall on her and hit the side of her head. I'm not even sure how hard it hit her - it's impossible to know. I was facing the opposite direction and just heard my husband yell and run towards her. I turned to see she had scooted backwards as it fell, or maybe the room divider pushed her back while falling. It was so confusing. She's fine but I think we had like 5 heart attacks that night.
Honestly it never occurred to me that she would do that.
http://sprocketswife.blogspot.com/
We have all been there and I have to say that my mind rushed back to my slip-ups as a parent when I heard about Tyson's child's death too. Moments when I still lose my breath and cry when I think about "what if" we had not been so lucky, just as you feel about the alcohol bottle.
I guess I just am thankful that I had good moms group friends and blogging moms friends who have been there when I'm in one of those moments to give me a hug and tell me their awful story, or comment on my blog and say--you are a GREAT mom and I've been there too. We're all just trying to get through this crazy thing called parenting and do the best we can and we should support one another more I think...
There are very few children who can be left alone even for a nano-second, but unfortunately there are many adults who think it's O.K. I just think the adults are not thinking anything but good thoughts. It's better to think good thoughts than to think that a child's life can be lost in a nano-second. But reality is reality. Any child under the age of 18 can, and sometimes will, get themselves into dangerous, even deadly situations. And, danger can befall a child with a parent there watching. It is sad for Mike Tyson that his child was a victim. I know he is hurting. He has been through so much pain - both self-inflicted and unintentionally inflicted. He didn't deserve this. I know that when my step son was sliding down an old fashioned sliding board and had a large wooden splinter went through the bottom of his foot. He never cried. He was 6 years old and he never cried. I, on the other hand, screamed all the way to the ER and the ER doc had to remove me from the room. I can still feel the pain and that child was so brave.
Lindsay,
Thanks for this post - every word of it is true. I shudder to think of what could have happened many times with my own 4 children. How blessed we are. Several years ago a family friend backed over his own son in the driveway and killed him - on Father's Day. So tragic - he wasn't careless - little kids just sometimes move too fast. So many stories like this... I pray I remember this in the future. It could just as well be me.
www.bestillmy.blogspot.com
This is a great topic to bring up. I was just reading something a couple of weeks ago about accidentally leaving kids in the car. We can laugh about it until its fatal, and then how forgiving are we. But on the other hand, if we can't laugh at these horrible almost-tragedies, how could we possibly deal with them? Isn't that part of motherhood? Laughing off our mistakes when they don't cause harm, and grieving with each other when they do?
I have to say that I worry a lot more now with my third baby that a bad accident is going to happen. It is so much harder to make sure the little chokable pieces are out of reach, that ropes and cords and swords and magnets are all kept in their places. Not to mention the fracturing of my attention into a Million Little Pieces. Lets hope and pray we keep the accidents Almost Tragedies so we can all keep laughing.
Thanks for starting the conversation.
-Elizabeth (aka Boy Crazy)
http://clarity-chaos.blogspot.com
When my son was a week old I decided to go shopping. I was 20 years old and had never left the house with a newborn. I was so proud of myself, feeding the baby, packing him up, I was like a real adult. I go about my shopping with no hitches, aside from how to push a stroller and carry my purchases. Being a new dumb parent I decided to use the escalator, not knowing the serious dangers. As we rode the escalator I was holding the stroller with one hand and shoes with the other and then it happened. My brand new baby slipped out of his carseat (which he was strapped into), underneath the handle bar and was on the escalator stair by my feat. I freaked out, threw the shoes and somehow managed to pick him up before he was "eaten" by the escalator. No permanent damage done, except for a very real and unhealthy fear of escalators. That was over three years ago and my very capable child is not allowed anywhere near an escalator because I am terrified... I am dutifully passing my issues onto him:)
Rachel
http://threeat23.blogspot.com
I had a major escalator scare too, once, involving my baby, a pair of platform shoes, my at the time terrified of escalators daughter, and a stroller that was too wide. It was disastrous.