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Suburban Turmoil: A room (and bathroom) of one’s own
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 at 11:00pm
As a married woman, I finally know why Virginia Woolf was always talking about getting a room of her own.
While literary authorities will tell you she was writing about what a woman needs if she’s planning on penning Shakespeare-quality stuff, I’m pretty sure she was really talking about the bedroom. I’ve been a ‘Mrs.’ for seven years now and there’s almost nothing I want more than a room of my own.
Preferably one with its own bathroom.
I mean, my husband could still come in at night and… hang out. But with a room (and bathroom) of my own, I could put on pantyhose without sucking in my gut. Pick my teeth. Sing opera in the shower. Leave my clothes on the floor. Buy a pink bedspread. Keep my diary out in the open. And not be forced to turn on the bathroom faucet and fan whenever I have to, well, you know.
Hubs thinks this ‘room of my own’ idea is a little crazy. But this is a man who shared a 10x10 room with his brother until he was 25 years old. The man doesn’t know what privacy is.
Many an argument has erupted from his obstinate refusal to knock before entering our bathroom. Of course, I’m always fully dressed and made up to perfection when he barges in, but hypothetically speaking I could have been buck naked and plucking a stray chin hair, or trying to shimmy my way into a pair of Spanx. (If I owned Spanx. Which I don’t. Because this is all hypothetical, remember?)
That said, after one particularly brutal invasion of my privacy last week — one that may or may not have involved hypothetical waxing strips — I decided to take the issue to my blog readers. Was anyone else out there feeling the need for a little more… space?
And 116 responses later, I think I’ve finally gotten a handle on the situation. As with most marital issues, this one is all our husbands’ fault.
From what I can glean, the vast majority of husbands are smelly, cretinous louts, emitting stomach gases out either end whenever it suits them, gnawing on their yellowed nails and proudly baring their flabby nakedness to their poor, beleaguered wives at every opportunity. Here are just a few examples of what my readers must endure:
‘I wish on a star every freakin’ night my husband will stop farting at the dinner table!” a reader named Amy admits. ‘It is so disgusting.’
‘On the rare occasion that I happen by the open bathroom door when my husband is sitting on the toilet… it takes me days to wash the image from my brain and become capable of sex again,’ confides Kate.
‘I'm trying to convince my husband not to pick his nose where I can see it,’ another anonymous reader confesses. ‘And I wish he would realize that I actually do have peripheral vision. Yes, I do know what you are doing!’
‘Oh. My. God,’ writes Sissy. ‘I wish that man would hide when he cuts those claws he calls toenails.’
Less common are the households in which modesty reigns supreme. But these couples do exist and frankly, their living situation sounds like paradise.
‘We NEVER go to the bathroom in front of each other, neither #1 or #2,’ gloats reader Rebecca. ‘We don't even use the bathroom after the other has pooped until the smell goes away. If we have to, we light candles or use aerosol or strike a match.’
‘At our house, dressing is private and pottying is certainly private,’ Laura proudly writes. ‘I think we've only passed gas once, accidentally, in front of each other.’
‘We both agree that dropping a load in front of each other will NEVER happen,’ states Angella. ‘Unless we're 90 and in Depends.’
Now that’s my kind of thinking.
I was overjoyed to find that my ‘room (and bathroom) of one’s own’ theory is lived out in the home of at least one reader, a man who, strangely, goes by the psedoynm ‘house_of_pain.’
‘Since I snore at about the same decibel level as a Metallica concert, my wife and I have our own rooms (bathrooms, too),’ he writes. ‘It's a wonderful arrangement that helps us both maintain our sanity, separately but equally.’
It’s a marvelous idea that could have saved a reader named Karly a great deal of trouble.
‘My husband has no idea that I poop,’ she divulged in my blog comments. ‘If I gotta go, I tell him I'm going to take a shower and then I go turn the shower on, poop, and then get in the shower and get all wet so that he knows I wasn't just in there, you know, pooping. We've been married 9 years. I'm hoping to let him in on the secret before we hit 10 years. Maybe.’
A room (and bathroom) of one’s own. It’s such a simple concept, one that could save marriages, lower the divorce rate, and return the passion to the lives of men and women who’ve frankly seen way too much of each other.
Can I get an amen?
Read more Suburban Turmoil at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
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Filed under: City Voices
33 Comments on this post:
Wow, I've been quoted by someone other than a "witness for the plaintiff". Nice.
BTW, the moniker is just a tribute to the Oilers(Titans).
They say loss of privacy contributes to insanity. I believe it. Everyone should have their own space and moms NEVER do! when I say I'd like it I hear - "Well one day I'll be gone...."
Hysterical! When I was reading your blog comments I nearly peed my pants multiple times - Men and women definitely have seperate bathrooms - they do in public places - why not at home!
bspeight.blogspot.com
Great column! I will say that my species (a wife with no privacy and I'm OK with it) was not fully represented here, though a lot of us responded to your initial blog post. I resented the implication from some commentators that I'm spoiling my sex life by allowing my husband in on the secret that I have bodily functions. We're pretty open about it all, and thankfully we are still attracted to each other at the end of the day. http://jacoblawrencenewman.blogspot.com/
I haven't laughed as hard as I did reading that comment string for quite a while.
When my sister and BIL moved in with my mom for a bit while building a house, he was relegated to the half bath in the (other than a few room dividers, mostly unfinished) basement for the duration, other than evening showers. Thank heaven he was pretty good natured about it - pretty spidery down there!
http://www.quiltbabe8.blogspot.com/
We're one of the modest households, but growing up with a brother who frequently FORCED me to come check out the amazing size of his latest bowel movement, can you blame me?
Thankfully, I married a man that's IN NO WAY similar to my beloved brother.
http://thisheavenlylife.blogspot.com
This is definitely one for your hall of fame... You got some great comments from your readers, too!
Loved it : )
KathyB!
sixbelinskis.blogspot.com
You certainly get an amen from me!
Love this column and your blog. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but it's definitely a shame when all aspects of privacy (especially in the bathroom) seem to disappear. The bathroom should remain a sanctuary long after those vows have been exchanged.
Thank you for the laugh and wonderful writing. What a nice treat to stumble upon your stellar blog and compelling voice in the big bad blogosphere!
aidandonnelleyrowley.blogspot.com
This is hysterical! I think kids really wreck some havoc on one's privacy, my husband said that watching me push out a human being means that I never have to hind my grooming habits or bodily functions from him, everything else pales in comparison.
http://mountainmommachronicles.wordpress.com/
This is hilarious! I tried to maintain some semblance of bathroom privacy, but I have to say that once my husband saw me give birth, I lightened up a bit. I still hate to walk in on him in the bathroom (for some reason he leaves the door cracked, in case the kids want to come in to chat, I guess??), especially if it's before he's getting in the shower. Nothing less attractive than your naked husband pooping on the toilet. Seriously.
Oh, and the image of getting busted while stuffing yourself into a pair of Spanx had me laughing out loud!!! I have been there, sister. And it was not one of my finer moments.
http://clarity-chaos.blogspot.com/2009/05/minivan-convert.html
I don't think I got a chance to comment on the original post - but I have to agree. Some things should just STAY private. Our house is set up with the ONLY bathroom 3 steps up (and 6 feet) away from the living room. Hubby, son, and brother in law all find nothing wrong with holding conversations with the rest of the household when they're in the bathroom - EEW. Me, I turn on the fan just to make sure no one can hear me pee. Due to the high traffic in and out of our house, the door is always closed and locked, thank God.
SIL and BIL think nothing of saying "I have to go poop" or discussing bodily functions. Maybe I'm old (30) and they're young (19) but... you just don't TALK about that stuff!!! I don't need to know that you'll be 20 minutes late for dinner because BIL has to "do his thing" (in much more colorful terms).
Hell, I want a HOUSE of my own, forget a room. Just a little cottage out back that's all mine. I'll still cook and clean for them... but they will not be allowed in my space. EVER. Well... except for hubby to come "hang out" at night.
Kay @ chainsofyesterday.com
I have to lock to door for privacy in the bathroom. If it is not my teenage daughter or my hubs at the door, it is my 4lb. yorkie scratching the heck out of the door to get in and eat! Yes my dog wants to bring in bits of his dog food into the bathroom and eat while I go about my business.
http://nicelycomposed.blogspot.com/
Amen, sister. My husband and I have been married almost 18 years and we have had separate bathrooms for the past 10. Because he snores and has back issues, we often do sleep in separate rooms (me in the master, he in the guest room). It is kind of sad, though, when our little boy refers to "daddy's bedroom" and "mommy's bedroom." Pretty regularly we get lonely for each other and he'll hang out with me in the master till i'm asleep. Then he'll sneak back to his bed downstairs. I'd rather we sleep together, but this way we both get a full night's sleep. One thing you didn't mention is separate TVs. That is as important as separate bathrooms. When the yankees are playing the red sox at the same time as dancing with the stars, that's a problem. For as long as we've had two TVs, we've agreed that it's not unhealthy to split up and watch separate shows.
That's funny that you mention TVs, because my husband and I have a no-TV-in-any-bedroom rule, AND we watch an hour of a DVD together almost every night. (Just got through season 1 of Mad Men). It's a huge factor in keeping us connected, oddly.
Oh boy, I am SO glad that my husband and I have not yet crossed over to totally acting like brother and sister. The day he sees me on the potty is the day I know we have crossed that line.
www.jessicahillart.com
i would so love this. I have been trying to convince my husband of the same.
www.autismandadoptionblessings.blogspot.com
I've thought for years of designing my own dream house with a SHARED sitting room and then a separate bedroom and bath for each of us!
We'd have conjugal visits in HIS bed, then I'd slip back to my QUIET room, with it's OWN remote, OWN thermostat and the exact equation of blankets that I like!
www.myboynelson.blogspot.com
Oooh, separate thermostats. Now that's a GREAT idea! I can't count the number of "discussions" we've had over the thermostat!
Yup. Separate bathrooms from now on.
http://thebloggingmum.blogspot.com
wow I now realize that I have no privacy. Oh-well.
You are so hilarious and witty!
www.hattahall.blogspot.com
Ummm...you're hilarious. :) I love it. Even though Hubba Hubba and I tend to be on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of privacy (we have none, and don't mind) I do love having a separate sink. There's just something about beard trimmings in my sink. Ew.
I have no privacy and it is not just my husband. My children often don't need something immediately unless I am completely naked. I do use the lock on our bedroom door, now, which keeps them out but not quiet. *sigh*
I do think it is funny, because our situation is a little different. We all shower, bathe in the middle bathroom upstairs. It has the better tub/shower. We have a master bathroom, but it was ill planned and we are waiting to have the money to have it totally redo. However, I use it to get dress and use the toilet. The problem is that my daughter often barges in to use the toilet, too, even though she could easily use the other bathroom upstairs. When I ask her why she says it is disgusting. Pressing further, it is because men are gross which can only mean she has been in there after her Daddy *ahem* or after any of his grooming habits. She often tells me how gross men are. I hope she has not been turned off of the species altogether.
http://soulprncs2.wordpress.com/
I'm not sure if I'm proud or ashamed that my secret is out. Maybe I'll just forward this story to my husband. It would save me the trouble of sitting him down and explaining that yes, girls really DO poop.
Great article!
Karly
http://www.wipingupsnot.com
Lindsey,
I have my own bedroom and bathroom complete with a pink bedspread and frilly, ruffly pillows.
Hubby has his own room where he can snore til the cows come home!
can you believe we don't have a lock on any room in our apartment? i'm happy to get about two minutes of privacy. what i can't figure out is my husband doesn't want me anywhere near the bathroom if he is in there (for #1 or #2) but he will come in at any moment when i am in there. on the other hand, he doesn't like it if i leave the door open and he hears some (hypothetical) gas. he certainly is not consistent.
i always thought it would be lonely to have separate bathrooms, let alone separate bedrooms. but now that i think about it, i definitely sleep better when i get the bed to myself...
myattkids.blogspot.com
I'm still laughing...You crack me up!!
Brooke
http://thechocoholicandadukefan.blogspot.com/
Amen!
Oh, and I don't care. I bought a pink comforter. :)
www.tobethode.blogspot.com
Poor Karly. It must be stressful to time showering with bowel movements. What does she do if she's hit with a bout of diarrhea? Shower 7 times?
www.handbagsandhandguns.com
Wha-aaat?!
My husband and I are fairly laid back about this kind of thing. Of course there are certain things we try to keep private but, trust me, there's no holding of grudges over farting or using the bathroom. We're aware that we're both human, after all. Everything poops, and farts, and snores and drools after all, right?
I think what I'm trying to say here is: If I had to hold my gas in and take a shower every time I had to number 2, I'd go nuts.
PS: I find this post surprising from a woman who used one of those nose enema things in front of, not only her husband, but also the entire internet. But you're fab, as usual.
Fun post.
Reluctant Housewife
Oops. I don't think that linked to my blog. http://adventuresofthereluctanthousewife.blogspot.com
oooh.... a separate bedroom would mean that when my husband gets a craving for chips at 10pm, I wouldn't have to listen to his loud crunching and give him the sideways "Do you NOT hear yourself chewing?!" evil stare until he's full of food and our bed is full of crumbs!
www.snowberrylife.wordpress.com
We usually have an (unstated) privacy policy in the bathroom, except for one rare occasion that I may or may not have almost passed out due to gas pains during a bout of diahrrhea. Ahem. But enough about me- my BIL likes to inspect my sister's poo on occasion to make sure that it is "healthy". Yeah. He likes to check color and regularity.
http://mangotango328.blogspot.com/