Ask Amy

Thursday, February 7, 2013 at 10:05pm

DEAR AMY: My neighbor has three kids and a minivan. I work at home and often notice she warms her car up for a long time (often 10 minutes or more) from a remote starter. She is polluting the air we all breathe unnecessarily and wasting gas.

I feel like she is infringing on my rights to live in a clean world where we already have such a climate crisis. Is there a way to address this with her?

— Fretting in Oak Park

DEAR FRETTING: By all means — advocate for the climate, but you could probably make the biggest impact by taking these kids to school in your pedicab. I assume you'll offer.

If you want to open up a conversation about carbon footprints, be aware that there are real and relational consequences. If you weigh in on your neighbor's polluting habits, she might decide she'd like to come to your house and evaluate your pollution-emitting carpet, furnace or roof shingles.

If you feel your health is at risk from your neighbor's vehicle exhaust, you have a right to ask her not to idle her van near your house. Know, however, that while you have the right to make any request you like — unless your neighbor is breaking a local statute or law, you cannot prevent her from doing as she pleases, including "wasting gas."

DEAR AMY: My 20-year-old daughter "Katie" has had her share of ups and downs with me and her dad. She has shown incredibly bad judgment by engaging in risky behavior, displays hypersexual tendencies, and shows no remorse for the pain she has caused us over the years. She has struggled with manic depression since she was a teenager but will not take her medication or participate in therapy.

I have recently discovered that she is having an affair with a married teacher at the local high school.

She is not even a little bit guilty about this. I saw one of their text messages and it was like reading a chapter of "Fifty Shades of Grey." Now his wife has found out about her husband so they are no longer hiding the affair. Katie refuses to discuss it with me. She will yell, slam doors and carry on if you try to approach any subject she does not want to discuss.

She is engaged to a nice guy. I really want to tell her fiance about what is going on but I don't know if I should. I have hinted to him that my daughter is not the "perfect angel" he has imagined her to be but he refuses to listen.

I cannot even stand to be in the same room with my daughter knowing that she is lying to everyone by not coming clean about the nature of her relationship with this man. I keep wondering if I should contact the school to let them know what kind of teacher they are employing.

— Disgusted and Confused

DEAR DISGUSTED: Your daughter's behavior is distressing. I know it's a challenge to avoid being drawn into her mess, but you should do your very best to distance yourself from her drama and to keep your focus on urging her to get treatment — and protecting yourself from her emotional maelstrom. Focus on your own behavior — staying strong, calm and consistent.

I don't believe you should plow along, making phone calls and warning people about your daughter; you should seek professional support and advice for yourself about how to cope with (and react) to her. Author Kay Redfield Jamison offers professional and personal insight into bipolar disorder in her memoir, "An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness" (1997, Vintage). I highly recommend it.

DEAR AMY: I agreed with your advice to "Confused," who wanted to get together with an old flame with whom he'd had a sexually charged friendship.

This definitely places his current relationship at risk. Like you, I feel he should limit any contact to a quick phone call — and his partner should be told about it.

— Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: The five-alarm bells were ringing about this particular letter. Thank you.

Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com. Amy Dickinson's memoir, The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.

Filed under: Lifestyles
Tagged: ask amy

3 Comments on this post:

By: rickmuz on 2/8/13 at 8:28

"She is engaged to a nice guy. I really want to tell her fiance about what is going on but I don't know if I should. I have hinted to him that my daughter is not the "perfect angel" he has imagined her to be but he refuses to listen."

I wish my former Mother in Law had been that accommodating when I was about to marry her slut of a daughter.

This particular woman needs to sit this young man down and "School his young butt"

By: courier37027 on 2/8/13 at 11:07

Dear Fretting, mind your own business. Seriously. You can't pick your neighbors.

Dear Disgusted, 20 is older than 18. Kick your daughter to the curb. Keeping her at home and reveling in the dread is a psychosis--for you.

By: KelliePicklerFan on 2/9/13 at 10:19

You might not worry about this person polluting with JUST a 10 minute warmup of her car.
I see a guy at work who runs his car every break time (10 mins) and even at lunch for half an hour!
I guess he can afford the gas at $4 a gallon!
You might worry about the Chinese who do WAY more polluting of the earth and the atmosphere and they don't even care!
They DO send us their products that is laced with led, cadmium and other toxic substances and this is stuff made for out babies and children NOT the stuff made for adults!
All those used TVs and computers that you so carefully take to the earth friendly recyclers end up shipped to China to be taken apart and stripped of all the lead, gold and other usable substances without regard to the workers health or the environment!
The EPA wouldn't allow them to do that here in the good old USA. (Too dangerous!)
The pollution in China as so bad you wouldn't believe it! It makes LA and NY look like pristine!

Keith in Snohomish, Washington

With God in your life put a Holiday in your Heart! (LeAnn Rimes)