Ask Amy

Monday, June 8, 2009 at 1:00am

DEAR AMY: I recently joined the service and soon will be leaving for basic training.

I have a girlfriend, and I care about her very much, but recently I have been very concerned about what will happen in our future.

She is banking on me being based near her, and I've told her countless times I can't guarantee that will happen.

We've been together for almost a year, and it's starting to get scary. She is mentioning marriage just so we can live together wherever I am stationed.

I am 24 years old and about to embark on a life-changing endeavor, and marriage was not included in my plans.

How should I handle this?

— Scared Serviceman

DEAR SCARED:
If your relationship is scaring you more than the prospect of basic training, then you know you've got a problem.

Loving relationships ideally bring comfort rather than anxiety, but you can assume that you and your girlfriend are both anxious and maybe even panicking a little as you face an uncertain future.

Many a wartime marriage has resulted from this sort of dynamic, but that doesn't make it right.

The right thing to do is also the toughest thing. You have to be honest about your own goals and straightforward about your concerns. Tell your girlfriend absolutely everything you're thinking about, and take marriage off the table for now. Simply tell her you're not ready.


DEAR AMY: Our son and daughter-in-law are divorcing, and our teenage grandchildren have taken sides; our granddaughter is siding with her mother and our grandson with his dad.

This acrimonious divorce was initiated by our son because of his wife's alcoholism, financial irresponsibility and infidelity that has resulted in bankruptcy and losing the house.

Our granddaughter has come to believe that this disaster is her dad's fault.

We have been getting together with the kids and sometimes included our son, but as the divorce process has moved forward and the reality has hit the kids, feelings have intensified.

We are devastated by our family's breakup and want to get back at least some of what we once had with our son and his children.

We have been a close part of this family until the marital breakdown began to surface. We have a close relationship with the grandkids, and they have a great relationship with each other.

What can we do to be with the three of them together, or do we just accept that they have a toxic relationship and hope that time will heal it?

— Sad in Seattle

DEAR SAD: You should continue to spend time with these children, with and without their dad. You will want to continue to offer your grandchildren the benefit of your strong relationship while giving them a safe place to be themselves and a respite from the anxiety of their parents' troubles.

Your granddaughter needs to learn that it is permissible and possible to love both of her parents and that it's not necessary to take sides.

Never criticize their mother, but allow them to express themselves, with reasonable and respectful limits.

You can hope that the passage of time will help them heal and gain perspective, and you can do the rest by filling in some of the emotional void in their lives.


DEAR AMY: My daughter is getting married in the fall.

They would like to receive money instead of gifts. We would like to know how to tactfully request this of their guests on the invitations.

My daughter and her fiance are not able to afford a honeymoon on their own, and this request would greatly make their celebratory time possible.

— Denise

DEAR DENISE: It is not appropriate to request any kind of gifts on an invitation.

Honeymoon registries have become more common. That is a way for guests to contribute directly to costs of the honeymoon.

When guests inquire, the couple can say where they have registered.

Send questions to askamy@tribune.com

Filed under: Lifestyles

1 Comment on this post:

By: gdiafante on 6/9/09 at 11:14

Dear Scared

It's called breaking up. Marriage and the military rarely lasts, especially in those circumstances. Get out of the relationship now, run like hell.