Ask Amy

DEAR AMY: My son, "Sam," is 17, and on his summer break he spends six weeks with his dad in another state. His dad and I have been divorced for 12 years.

Just before his trip, Sam asked if he could pierce his ear. My answer was "no." We had a short discussion, he didn't seem to push too hard and the matter was dropped.

The next day, his dad called me asking me to reconsider the ear piercing, because he, himself, has two pierced ears. I told him that because our son goes to a private Christian school, it isn't allowed. Sam has two years of high school left.

I told my ex I discussed it with our son, and my answer was "no." So off to his dad's he goes, and within 24 hours, his dad sent me a text message to ask once again if our son could have his ears pierced. My answer was, "No, but thanks for asking."

I suspect that Sam will come home with at least one piercing.

Sam and I have always had a very good relationship with open communication. When he goes to his dad's, it changes a little and takes some time when he comes home to readjust his attitude, but nothing too serious. Sam is a good kid.

I don't say "no" very often. I am bothered by Sam's dad acting like a kid about this, when he doesn't want to contribute to driving lessons or other major expenses, yet doesn't blink at paying for his son's ears to be pierced.

Give me your take?

— Hole in the Head

DEAR HOLE: I agree with you that your ex is behaving like a 17-year-old.

Your son asked if he could pierce an ear. You said "no." Even if he is unduly influenced by his infantile father, "Sam" needs to learn that he is responsible for his choices. And you should carefully pick your battles.

If your son comes home with a stud in his ear, you can say, "Well, I asked you not to, but you did it anyway. I'm surprised and disappointed, Sam."

Remind your son about the rule at school, and then say no more about it. Not a word. Even if he wears a diamond studded chandelier earring to the dinner table — let it lie.

DEAR AMY: Several months ago, an old friend, "Toni," called because she was planning on moving back to the area. She asked if she could stay with my husband and me until she got on her feet. We have a spare room and like to help our friends, so we agreed.

Now she is here, and it turns out that she is planning on staying indefinitely.

I have tried several times to explain to her that we are not looking for a roommate, but she seems to blatantly ignore this.

I am now becoming passive-aggressive. She wants to pay for rent and utilities, but I am afraid that if we accept she will interpret this as a sign that she is permanently welcome.

How do I ask her to leave while maintaining our friendship?

— Mary

DEAR MARY: Think of it this way — the only way to preserve your friendship is to ask "Toni" to leave.

You and your husband should sit down with Toni and tell her simply and plainly: "This isn't working out. We don't want to rent a room to you, and we don't want a roommate. You need to find a place to live by the end of the month."

Introduce your friend to the classifieds in the local paper and to online housing sites such as craigslist.org, and help her move out.

DEAR AMY: I read the letter from "Frustrated," who didn't like neighborhood children retrieving balls from the lawn and didn't want kids playing in the street.

Many of my grown friends remember the cranks from their own neighborhoods, who yelled at kids playing on the street.

I think that if someone doesn't want people in his yard, he should put a low fence up, and if he wants to be the curmudgeon, be prepared to always be remembered that way.

Having children occasionally in your yard is a part of living in a neighborhood. If you dislike it, you should move to a retirement community where you and your other curmudgeon friends can sit in the grass and yell "get off of my lawn" at random passersby.

— Played in the Street

Dear Played: Many readers have similar memories of the neighborhood "crank."

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