Ask Amy

DEAR AMY: I have been married for 30 years. I endured put-downs, slurs and nastiness from my husband's parents for the entirety of our marriage — with no help from my husband.

A year ago my mother-in-law passed away and my father-in-law was placed in the dementia unit of a nursing home.

My problem is that I am still furious at how they treated me — and terribly disappointed that the close relationship I always wanted with them never happened.

I tried and tried, but everything about me was dead wrong: my ethnicity (not Norwegian-American), my weight (not thin enough), my education (I have a doctorate, and my husband has a high school diploma, so they called me "Miss Know-It-All"), my child-bearing capacity ("only one? What's wrong with you?"), my hair color, my role as breadwinner ("never, never overshadow your husband"), my traveling for work ("I'll die while you're gone, and it'll be your fault") and my willingness to express an opinion.

How can I let it all go, considering that my mother-in-law is dead and my father-in-law is completely impaired?

— Wishing

DEAR WISHING: Your toxic in-laws are gone, but their verbal abuse and put-downs will resonate through your life until you can accept that their reprehensible actions were their responsibility, their fault and an unfortunate reflection of their character and limitations.

It is in your power to let this go, and you must — otherwise this abuse will live on and continue to eat away at you.

You must also deal with your husband.

His passivity (or refusal) to protect and advocate for you is an abandonment.

He might have been fearful — or trapped in a relationship where he felt powerless (after all, these people raised him.)

You two need to confront this aspect of your relationship.

This is exactly the sort of issue that a therapist could help you make sense of. A counselor would listen to your story and then ask, "What can you do now?"

A book I've found very helpful when it comes to achieving equanimity is, An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life, by the Dalai Lama (2001, Little Brown).


DEAR AMY: My co-worker and I, in an effort to be a little more budget-conscious, started making coffee and bringing in milk to the office instead of going downstairs to buy a cup of coffee every day.

The problem is that some of our co-workers like to stop in on an almost daily basis for a cup of coffee. Because we started off very share-y and generous, it has now become a habit, and we don't know how to put a stop to it!

Even though it is cheaper for us to continue to make coffee and share it with our co-workers, it is still irksome how oblivious they are that they are getting daily free coffee courtesy of us! What should we do?

Milk and coffee don't grow on trees.

— Concerned Co-workers


DEAR CONCERNED: Actually, coffee does grow on trees — sort of. Regardless, I understand your issue, which is easily solved.

I hope you realize that these coffee klatches can be professionally helpful. Gathering with co-workers in a quasi-informal way at the office can be a great way to "network."

You should be reimbursed for your coffee and milk, however.

Get an empty coffee can (or an old coffee pot) and stick a Post-it on it, declaring it the "Coffee Fund." The next time a colleague approaches you with her empty cup, point to the can and give it a rattle.


DEAR AMY: I had major surgery. My mother-in-law said she would bring dinner the day after I returned home.

She and my father-in-law arrived with dinner and then said they would be joining us.

I didn't have an appetite, so my family had dinner with them. She didn't even help with the setup or cleanup.

I thought it was thoughtful of her to bring the meal, but very rude for her to think it was OK to eat at our house.

What is your take?

— Recuperating

DEAR RECUPERATING: Your mother-in-law no doubt thought she was giving you a break from the dinnertime routine by bringing dinner to your family.

I can imagine how having these two extra people at your table would have been challenging the day after surgery, but I can also imagine your mother-in-law thinking that she was helping by offering you and your family the benefit of her companionship. Obviously, she was mistaken.