Ask Amy

DEAR AMY: I'm 24 and have been dating my 29-year-old boyfriend for the past five years. We have been very happy.

Once or twice a year my boyfriend has a guys' trip to Las Vegas. I have fully supported these trips.

I found out a few days after his most recent Vegas trip that my boyfriend had kissed a girl in a club. The following week my boyfriend actually went back to Vegas for a one-night stand with this girl. Two days after this one-night trip to Vegas, we were leaving for the Bahamas, where he was going to propose. He had the ring and planned to ask my parent's permission.

I'm crushed, and he is disgusted with himself. He has lost tons of weight and went to counseling to find out why this happened. He's never hidden from this, never once trying to minimize the severity of what he did.

I spoke to the counselor who is seeing him to discuss my feelings, and she said that he exhibits no signs of being a "repeat offender."

We are working through this, but a deeper problem lies with my parents. They are completely done with him. They do not approve of me working this out.

My father says he would refuse his request to marry me, and my mom says she does not ever want to see him again, much less have him as a son-in-law. I feel completely torn.

I am in an adult relationship and can make my own decisions, but my family finds this unforgivable.

What should we do?

— Stuck

DEAR STUCK: Your parents' loyalty to you and investment in your happiness has blinded them to the fact that people make mistakes, and that people also have a right to try to work things out.

Let me mix my cliches and say that your boyfriend made his bed, and now he has to pay the piper. He should muster up his courage and meet with your parents, explain himself and hear their reaction.

You and your guy should continue with counseling and make decisions concerning your future as you have done so far -- thoughtfully.

Your parents also have a job to do. After expressing their concerns, they need to do one of the most challenging tasks of parenting — let their child grow up and make her own choices.

DEAR AMY: I am a 13-year-old girl. I love my family, but they have been driving me crazy. My sister (15) and my mom fight a lot. I try not to let it bother me, but it does.

When we're all together and they're fighting, my dad always takes my mom's side. It doesn't matter whether my sister is right.

It hurts me to see them fighting. I don't want to get between them, but somehow I always do.

Do you have any advice?

— Annoyed

DEAR ANNOYED: It is painful and destructive to witness family squabbles. Your parents should realize the impact this has on the whole family — not just on them.

The best thing you can do is to stay well out of it.

Then, during a peaceful time, perhaps at bedtime when you're all quiet and winding down from the day, you could say to them, "You know, I hate it when you guys fight. It makes me feel terrible." Your parents may assure you this has nothing to do with you, and you should believe them, but ask them to behave differently.

DEAR AMY: I'm responding to "At a Loss," who wondered if she should contact the doctor whom she had an emotional affair with 20 years before.

This could have been written about my husband and me. He is a doctor. He and an employee had an emotional affair. She was also married. She moved away about 20 years ago. We went to counseling and our marriage is far better for it. We are a strong team now, committed to our marriage, and life is good.

If this woman came back into his life, it would be disastrous, mostly for me. I caution her to not contact this man. It has been 20 years. Leave it be.

— No Contact, Please

DEAR NO CONTACT: I went pretty easy on "At a Loss," neglecting to mention the impact her contact could have on her old flame's wife — if he is still married. Thank you for reminding me of how selfish it can be to contact someone unbidden.

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