Ask Amy

Tuesday, May 1, 2012 at 9:05pm

DEAR AMY: My family has a long history of military service. Both my sons and my husband served in the Marines. One of our sons left and never came home. He made the ultimate sacrifice.

My daughter is seriously dating a physician.

Although her boyfriend is nice and respectful to us and appears to make her happy, whenever we look at him all we can see is his lack of military service. We also cannot help but think of our son.

Why should this young man get to go to school until his late 20s, get a job right away and live a totally comfortable and entitled life while other young men leave their families and never come home?

My daughter thinks he is wonderful and says we are being unfair toward anybody who is not in the military. We think her boyfriend is essentially throwing our family's sacrifice in our face by living in the lap of luxury.

My daughter wants us to meet his family, and we are unsure what we should do.

We cannot imagine having this man as our son-in-law and do not like the message he would send to our future grandchildren, but we do not want to stop communicating with our daughter either.

Any suggestions?

— Military Mom

DEAR MOM: Given your family's laudable culture of military service and the tragic loss you have experienced, it gives me no pleasure to tell you how very narrow-minded and even mean-spirited your views are.

You say that every member of your family has to be in the military, but is your daughter? And if not, I hope you don't judge her as harshly as you judge prospective (and future) family members.

Surely everyone in this country should have the right and the freedom to pursue whatever career path he or she chooses.

Every time I go to the hospital, I'm grateful that someone had the brains and talent to go to medical school. But that's immaterial.

If you have a serious problem with this man's character, you should share your concerns with him.

You should also pursue a veterans' grief-support group to help you cope with your painful loss.

DEAR AMY: Recently, I was curious and looked up my name on Facebook.

There was a profile with my name that was obviously fake and very hateful. I have the strong suspicion that this profile was created by one of my husband's friends. Should I hire a private detective to find out the IP address? I don't have a Facebook account, so I can't report it.

What is your advice?

— Facebooked

DEAR FACEBOOKED: You do not need to have a Facebook account to report an "impostor page."

If you check facebook.com/help, you will see options about what to report, along with clear instructions for how to report this abuse.

You should also consider opening a Facebook account — even if you are not active on the site, it might be harder for an impostor to pose as you if you have a bona fide presence.

DEAR AMY: Your reply to "Also Sad" was perfect. This man reported having been sexually abused.

Thank you for mentioning our organization, malesurvivor.org.

You are correct that many more men are survivors of sexual abuse than most people realize. Current research strongly suggests that at least 1 in 6 males have been victims of sexual abuse before they turn 16, and the numbers certainly go up when we include adult males into the mix.

Most men usually take 20 years to come forward and seek help. During that time many victims are at much higher risk for PTSD, anxiety, depression, substance abuse and suicide. And the ripple effects on the lives of those connected to a survivor are obviously quite damaging as well.

The good news is that with support and professional help, it absolutely is possible for sexual abuse survivors to heal. We are working to increase awareness and promote a message of healing and hope to all survivors everywhere.

— Chris, malesurvivor.org

DEAR CHRIS: I appreciate and applaud the efforts of malesurvivor.org to bring this issue to light and to help sexual abuse survivors.

Send questions via email to askamy@tribune.com. Amy Dickinson's memoir, The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.

Filed under: Lifestyles
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1 Comment on this post:

By: NewYorker1 on 5/2/12 at 9:15

DEAR MOM: What about the slaves that were dragged to this horrible country and helped build this nation. Many of them lost their lives to hangings and beaten to death. Your son made a choice to go into the military, my ancestors didn't have a choice. They were forced into this hell called America.

DEAR CHRIS: Dude, get over it. It's just sex. Is there a support group for bad sex?

DEAR FACEBOOKED: Girl, file a lawsuit for character defamation and slander against your husband's friend and one against FaceBook. It may not work, but it never hurts to try. You might get a nice piece of change out of it.