Color me biased, but if the ball is not made of pigskin, I don't care. If the ball doesn't spiral through the air, I don't care.
If players the size of golf carts don't smash into each other at 20 mph, I don't care. If the sport doesn't have hotties on the sideline flying into the air so their undergarments are partially exposed, I don't care.
If there isn't a bull, a horse, a bulldog, a Christmas tree, or a Trojan Warrior on the side line wielding a sword in a Cardinal and Gold Jock strap, then I don't care.
Baseball? Excuse me while I yawn and brush cobwebs out of my eye sockets.
Soccer? Maybe the rest of the world knows something I don't. Last time I checked; my passport is stamped PROPERTY OF THE U.S.A.
Bowling? Call me when you get a ball without holes in it.
Hockey? They say it's the fastest most exciting, most physical sport there is? If that's the case, then why do reruns of McHale’s Navy get better ratings than the NHL playoffs? Because as much as you try and tell me that hockey is football on ice, it's really just ice skating with sticks.
NASCAR? Too many cautions, too many left turns. Are these guys even athletes? Geezus, they sit down for four hours and pee in their pants at 180 mph. How cool is that?
Not very, because football is back!
The NFL launched its season Sept 10. I was like a kid off his ADD meds just salivating for it all to start. And I got a little taste of what's to come this fall with the start of ESPN Game Day.
Now I know that fall is in the air.
It wasn't the back-to-school shopping or the leaves turning yellow. It wasn't the fact that I've already seen a Christmas commercial air or that my wife is talking about Thanksgiving dinner preps.
I know that fall is knocking at my door because football is here.
Lee Corso and Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbstreit are prognosticating like a house on fire. These guys are like rock stars sitting on their Home Depot set. My juices began to bubble.
Wild imagery of USC and Nittany Lions, Bulldogs, Gators and Vols all starting dancing across the screen. I got so fired up so quickly, that I felt like strapping on a cup, rushing across the yard, pulling the weed eater out of my neighbor's arms, then kicking him in his Adam's apple.
“Not in my house!,” I would shout at the dazed man. “This is the University of Crazy, baby!”
Cordan is a reporter for WKRN Channel 2. Contact him at http://thatismessedup.com/