Mike Burch interviews the latest, greatest Tea Party superstar.
In a remarkable stroke of good fortune, I was able to meet with the Tea Party’s latest, greatest superstar presidential candidate, just before he formally announced his candidacy. Here are the results of my exclusive interview with Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle. Please forgive the simplicity of my hastily arranged questions, but I think you may find his answers illuminating.
Q: Sir, what is your position on government regulation of business?
A: Business good. Government bad.
Q: Sir, what is your position on Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid?
A: Lambs die. Lions feast. Tarzan very healthy, strong! Why Tarzan help weaklings?
Q: But sir, I hear that, like most Tea Party types, you don’t have any savings. What will you do when you are unable to house and feed yourself?
A: Ugh, Tarzan not know! Maybe Obama have pity on poor Tarzan?
Q: Sir, what is your position on gay marriage?
A: Straights good, go heaven. Gays bad, go hell. Why be nice people go hell?
Q: Sir, what is your position on immigration?
A: White like Tarzan good. Dark bad, very dangerous. Not look like Tarzan, scare Jane.
Q: Sir, what is your position on evolution?
A: Tarzan born perfect. Evolution stupid theory.
Q: But what about dinosaur bones and DNA?
A: Tarzan not believe in DNA, evolution, round earth, other stupid theory. Tarzan believe Bible! Earth flat, immovable, has fixed foundations and pillars, like Bible say.
Q: Sir, what is your position on cutting military spending?
A: Need big stick, beat enemies to pulp. Spend more, not less!
Q: But how is it possible to have a huge military empire, with nearly a thousand bases overseas, and fight trillion-dollar wars, yet have a smaller federal government?
A: Tarzan not know. Tarzan head suddenly hurt.
Q: Sir, what is your position on religion?
A: Christians good. Muslims bad.
Q: Lord Tarzan, you claim to be a Bible-believing Christian, but Jesus Christ, his apostles and the Hebrew prophets all repeatedly said that the rich should help the poor, not oppress or abandon them. And yet politically you are clearly a firm believer in a Darwinian “survival of the fittest,” as you advocate slashing Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and unemployment benefits. But Jesus said Christians should give everything but the shirt on their backs to people in need, and of course Jesus followed his own advice, dying with just one garment to his name. How can you possibly reconcile your politics with your religion?
A: Tarzan not know. Tarzan just ape-man, not deep thinker. Tarzan always bad student, like Bush, Palin, Bachmann, Perry. When in doubt, Tarzan get very angry, go on warpath, destroy enemy tree house. Then Tarzan rule jungle! Now go away, Tarzan have splitting headache!